Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
How to draw a duck
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.