Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”