Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
HERE’S MARKY
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.