Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Breaking news:
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!