8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free