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If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Attacked by a mop.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish