*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
a fate I wish upon no one
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
This squirrel eats better than I do
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now