ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
$4 #usedbooks
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense