Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.