*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.