I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
How to properly lift a body
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
scrabbled eggs
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
When you don’t understand how floors work
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.