Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!