“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?