[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman