Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?