My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
You Might Also Like
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
S M O L
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.