Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.