maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I think this cat is broken
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.