Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs