If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?