my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?