A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.