Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
consequences, the bane of my existence
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*