PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I have a type: disappointing
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?