I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
You Might Also Like
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.