Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
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Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
he’s sick of your bullshit today
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”