Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
The glory of fall.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Buck naked
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.