[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.