@Goofpoops

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

You Might Also Like

@ShutUpThatsWho

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

@JPHaddadio

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

@Brettagher

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

@PeachyPixel8

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

@KeetPotato

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@Social_Mime

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

@CrackedIllusion

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.