me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?