me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My work here is don’t.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum