me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.
Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.
Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Sounds about right! 💯
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny