If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[eulogy]
line?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
based al yankovic
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.