If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now