Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
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Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The smoothest fall of all time
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af