ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6