WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.