There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I had to Stop for this
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.