[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
where’s Godzilla when we need him