Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Two types of dogs.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses