The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops