[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.