I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
secret recipe
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.