the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
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I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?