TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
No Google it does not
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
oh you wanna fight?!
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account