Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Oh thanks BBC.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Called it
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.