Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.