KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
A leaf blower, but for people.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.