Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.