For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
You Might Also Like
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
A drum solo but on your face.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.