What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Peace was never an option