What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east