Spotted in New Orleans.
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
This was a bad idea all around
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.