Spotted in New Orleans.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
When ur friends with white people
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.